8 Unhinged Things I Did to Attract a Lasting Relationship & Heal My Abandonment Wounds
If I can do it, you can too, and the last one is why I think we’re still together 12 years later.
A Facebook 10 yr old memory popped up the other day of me and my boo and our dog (rip Prince), chilling by the river.
It made me think back to the beginning and how my journey to love began.
The journey to lasting love started when a guy I had been seeing off and on for years invited me on a date to the botanical gardens and I was so excited to go, I’d never been.
Then he stood me up. No call, no text, nothing.
That was the moment something in me snapped, in a good way. I remember thinking, if I want somebody to love and respect me, I have to love and respect myself first. So here is what I did.
1. I became celibate for almost two years.
That same day, I closed the candy shop. If I wanted somebody to actually love and respect me, I had to stop entertaining guys who didn’t deserve my time. I decided to give that time to myself.
2. I stopped drinking and smoking cigarettes.
If I was serious about healing, and learning to love myself, I couldn’t keep doing things to my body that weren’t loving.
3. I spent four months healing my father wound through radical forgiveness.
I went deep into clearing and moving rage through my body. One day I pulled out a picture of my dad and jumped on it fifty times, just to move that energy out of me.
4. I sat naked in front of the mirror.
So I could learn to accept the parts of myself I was always judging. I even ate meals at the mirror. Like a self-acceptance date, just me and the mirror.
5. I scheduled healing sessions on my own calendar.
Five o’clock on a Friday, and the appointment would be something like, cry about the time your friends ignored you for a day in elementary school. I made time to actually feel that.
6. I made time to visualize being in a relationship.
Not just think about it. Really feel what that would feel like in my body. I would picture real hot and steamy scenes that felt extremely real. I would write love letters to him like he was on a trip.
7. When he came into my life, we started with a contract.
After we’d dating for a bit, I didn’t want to sleep with him without commitment, and I didn’t want to force him into commitment either. So we started our relationship on a contract. That’s a whole different story.
8. At the start of that contract, I decided how I wanted the relationship to go, and I told him.
I said “we are not going to cuss at each other. We are not going to talk down to each other. We are not going to tell each other to shut up, etc…”
Twelve years later, we still live inside that agreement. With love and respect. And I think this eighth one is the real reason we’re still together.
None of these eight things looked normal from the outside.
Jumping on a photo of my dad, eating naked in front of a mirror, scheduling a cry session like a dentist appointment.
But every single one of them was me learning how to actually be with myself, before I asked anyone else to be with me.
That’s the part nobody tells you.
The relationship doesn’t make you whole.
You becoming whole first is what makes the relationship possible.
Share this with a friend, if you know someone whose looking for love or wants to repair their relationship (that also should start with becoming whole).
I made a reel about it too, it has 105 saves :)
What are your thoughts about this journey, over the top, lol?
Reply or msg on IG if you have any questions for me.
Much love,
Essence
P.S.
If you are ready to rebuild your relationship with yourself and your body to become healed and whole, reply to this email and we’ll schedule a time to talk.